I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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