Don't make out with my wife yet
everyone is single if you try hard enough
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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