so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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