We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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