fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
