fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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