I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
