hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
