omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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