1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize