3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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