it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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