Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
