a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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