My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
