We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
