I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
