I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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