Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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