Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
