now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
