Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
