my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
