After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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