Got a toothbrush?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
