I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
