Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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