I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
50% drunk capacity currently
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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