Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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