I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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