Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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