Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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