Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
