Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize