Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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