my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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