i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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