we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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