Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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