matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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