Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
