peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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