I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
