Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
