Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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