I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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