I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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