Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
