i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
that is very illegal...i love you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
