so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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