Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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