my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
