pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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