this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's shark week go big or go home
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
