Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
