she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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